Secreet

My memory from my childhood at my fathers house isn't always clear. I know some of what happened but it's like looking through frosted glass - just an outline. Anything dealing with my mother however is very vivid./p>

I have vivid flashes of my older (girl) cousin teaching me how to have sex at my dads house when i was about 4. Thats the only thing i remember clearly. My mother has no idea about these gaps in my memory and I haven't told her about it even though we're close.

My father and I have always been distant for some reason. He treated me like I was out of place and I felt it. When I was 11 he got drunk on Christmas eve and hugged me and told me we were family.

He ground himself into me, and I excused myself to my room. He followed and unlocked my door (push pin trick) when he thought I was asleep and kissed my mouth and rubbed me. This was the only time I felt loved by him. A year later he cut off contact for 5 years while we continued living in the same town.

I believe my lack of memory is because he abused me as a child. I'm scared to remember it, but since I can remember I've fetishized him sexually in my head. Since reconnecting I've come out to him and nothing has been mentioned. We still remain distant but I fight feelings of attraction and hate for him every day. I want to remember my childhood but I am terrified I'm wrong and have no justification for the feeling that I have.
Nobody In my life understands the distain I have for myself. I will sit for hours in my alone time and pick myself apart.

I put on a good front in front of everyone but I hate everything about myself. My voice, my body, my hair, my lack of talent. I could list things for hours. If anybody knew that I felt this way I'm sure a big deal would be made and I would hate myself even more for inconveniencing them. They all think I'm so nice and stuff but it's only compensation.

I had a friend who was 12 when I was 9 and when we hung out we would play his games. He would have sex with me and take pictures, telling me he would show them to everyone if I told.

This went on for two years until I put a stop to it. Turns out he was never going to tell anyone because he would be caught too. He was an emotional manipulator - threatening to tell, shaming me, stealing when he wanted to. I still can't classify it as abuse because we were so young and I consented for two years. Because of him I can't do anal sex without flashbacks. Only blowjobs. I feel responsible for letting this all happen.
This all brings me to my most shameful secret. I've replaced my cutting with having sex with older men.

I will only do older men because I don't feel I'm worth being with anyone I feel is attractive to me. With older men, I get to be the attractive young man they can have a night with. I can let them to whatever they want. The sickest part is that I know what I'm doing is completely masochistic. There is no emotional connection and i am just a toy. At the end I feel ashamed and it brings out a part of me I cannot understand. It just brings me back to a void in my childhood I cannot understand. Even typing this, I don't get it at all. I'm my own mystery to unlock.

Also, I'm into rape fantasies where I play the victim. It disgusts me but I cannot stop myself from imagining it.
Basically: I have memory gaps from my fathers house as a child, and I'm not sure if he abused me within that time. He did for sure kiss and rub me within my definite memory when he was drunk. I've always fetishized him. I'm not sure if my memory gaps are anything relating.

I had a friend technically abuse me for two years with my unknowing consent, but feel responsible. I have sex with older men for reasons I don't understand really. I hate myself.
I am screwed. Thanks horrble for letting me voice my bullshit